Ah, Las Vegas the city of sins, in three weeks 23 lucky men will become the first players to be part of the Las Vegas Golden Knights. Being fans of debauchery here at Icy Hot Takes we decided to create the optimal team to play in the city of lights.
What was our main recruiting metric you may ask. Simply, the size of a players’ reputation to party and live in the fast lane. Let’s go line-by-line and player-by-player to find out who made the cut.
Center #1: Tyler Seguin
Our first center’s reputation began after he won Lord Stanley’s cup during his rookie season with the Boston Bruins. He then proceed to party the rest of the summer away, like any reasonable man would have, and hasn’t slowed down since. His party reputation may of been too much for the Bruins to handle, but we welcome Mr. Seguin to Las Vegas with open arms.
Left Wing #1: Alexander Ovechkin
Let’s admit it Ovi’s a beaut. When he’s not busy lighting up the NHL with goals, or losing to the Pens in the second round, this animal is in Russia pounding drinks and banging chicks. All sorts of party stories exist around this myth of a man. Whether it’s him ripping his Lamborghini to a local Russian McDonald’s and proceeding to order one of each item to satisfy his drunken hunger, or showing up to a Wayne Gretzky signing event with a couple of cold ones in his system, this legend is proudly or number 1 left winger.
Right Wing #1: Patrick Kane
Patty Kane, Mr. Party himself. One quote from the man I keep close to my heart “Two 5s make a dime.” Having won the cup three times this man has earned the right to party everyday of the week. Although he can sometimes get a little violent when the drinks, this all star and his hot mitts will fit right in as the Knight’s number one right winger.
Center #2: Claude Giroux
This man is no stranger to a good time. Although he usually enjoys doing his partying in the northern capital, Giroux should take no time getting use to the dry weather of the desert. With his offensive flair and love of drinking, this man has his spot as the second lines center.
Left Wing #2: Brad Marchand
After winning the Stanley Cup in 2011 this savage didn’t stop drinking until he had visited every casino and every bar in the American North-East. Although he didn’t always show up properly dressed, you can’t hate a man who’s so dedicated to debauchery that he shows back up to the casino without his buddies. Already a friend of Tyler Seguin, Brad will thrive as Vegas’s second line left winger.
Right Wing #2: Jaromir Jagr
Why not continue his glorious career with a stop in Sin City. Whether its on the ice or handling one night stands, this legends experience is a great asset for a young team like the Knights.
Center #3: Jarret Stoll
Not only is this guy banging Erin Andrews he’s also quite familiar with the party scene in Vegas. Being a fan of cocaine and molly, Jarret is the perfect fit for the Golden Knights third center. Yes he is retired, but I am sure he can lace up for one more season in the city of sins.
Left Wing #3: Evander Kane
It’s no secret that our second Kane on the team loves the city of Vegas. The man was an easy pick for the team’s third line left winger since he already has a penthouse in the city. With things on the ice not going so well for the forward, coming to a city with a million distractions will do him so good.
Right Wing #3: Ryan O’Reilly
Ryan is naturally a center but we believe he can bring more to the Golden Knights by playing in the third right wing spot. He’s a player who can bring some offence and also enjoys a good party. Although you can’t let him grab the car.
Center #4: Mike Richards
Mike Richards is a UFA that we picked up to play as our fourth center. We didn’t pick him for his hockey skill but more as a favor to keep him away from the Canadian border.
Left Wing #4 :Ryan Malone
No need to frown Ryan, your cocaine use is perfectly acceptable in our wonderful organization. Malone is retired, but anyone who is baffled when police find drugs on them, deserves a chance as our fourth left winger.
Right Wing #4: Zack Kassian
We loved the work Zack did in Montreal so much we had to offer him a spot as our fourth line center. Don’t worry Zack we won’t pull a Bergevin and question your character every time you crash a truck in the early hours of the morning.
Defense #1: Drew Doughty
We do admit that Drew doesn’t have the biggest party reputation, but there’s time to change that. What caught our eye was his reputation of barely working out during the off season. Anyone who can play D like Doughty and barely work out is welcomed in Las Vegas.
Defense #2: Dustin Byfuglien
What’s up big Buff, how would you like to be our number 1 D. There aren’t many lakes in Nevada but I am sure we will find other ways to have fun in the desert heat.
Defense #3: Andrei Markov
As our third defender, Markov is probably the quietest guy on the team. The main reason we recruited him was so Ovi could have his favorite drinking buddy. Plus what Russian wouldn’t love to play in Las Vegas.
Defense #4: Ryan Whitney
We’re big fans of Spittin’ Chiclets here at Icy Hot Takes, and believe Las Vegas would be well off with Ryan as their fourth defender. Although he’s done a good job of keeping his debauchery out of the media, every guy on the team will benefit from his awesome stories, especially the Russians.
With Vegas being a new market, we wanted to bring two legends to help with ticket sales. For our fifth and sixth defenders we brought guys way back from retirement simply for their reputations.
(Legendary) Defense #5: Chris Chelios
Chris has decided to cut his ties with the Detroit Red Wings in exchange for the luxurious life style of Las Vegas. Having one of the longest careers ever, one more year for Chris is nothing. And he can definitely keep up with the other guys.
(Legendary) Defense #6: Ray Bourque
To complete our all star defensive pairing who better the Ray Bourque, the all time leader in goals, assists and points as a defender. Bourque is the final piece we were missing on the Knights and he definitely will fit in.
Starting Goalie: Carey Price
Basically Montreal is blessed with great goalies and it’s time it changes. Carey has decided to follow Markov and leave Montreal for a city that isn’t covered in snow for half the year. Rumors are that Price is looking forward to going back to his old partying ways.
Backup Goalie: Scott Darling
Darling don’t be ashamed of your alcoholism, it’s welcomed and encouraged in the great state of Nevada. We look forward to counting on you to support Carey as we make a run for the cup in 2018.
Turns out if you pick a team purely on it’s players ability to party and have a good time, you get a pretty good team.